Hey there blog, old friend. If only you knew how many unedited and half written rambling blog posts exists in the depth of my hard drive. Writing has always been my escape, so throughout the confusion that was 2018 I continued to write. I continued to allow my fingers to dance feverishly across my keyboard as an attempt to detangle the mess of thoughts that encompassed my brain.
Speaking of 2018…
I don’t even know where to begin. When I think about everything that has occurred in the last 12 months… overwhelming doesn’t even begin to describe it. When I picture my life 365 days ago almost every detail was different.
New house. New Career path. New Relationships. And I have now faced indescribable pain and loss.
I am only 365 days older than I was the last time that the New Years Eve ball dropped. But when I think back to that younger version of myself I just see innocence and ignorance and just want to hug her and say “girl you have no idea whats coming”. 2018 has been the hardest year of my life and I have shed more tears than I thought possible.
But 2018 has taught me many lessons.
2018 forced me to become stronger than I thought I could ever be. Not because I wanted to or even because I thought I needed to, but because I truly had no other choice. That’s the weird thing when someone that you love dies. Your world stops. Nothing makes sense and your sense of normalcy is demolished. But the world around you keeps moving. And whether I wanted to or not (and I didn’t and sometimes I still don’t) I have to get up everyday and slowly learn how to put one foot in front of the other.
2018 completely destroyed and redefined any definition of normal that I had before. I am still trying to find what my new normal is. Again, I am learning to put one foot in front of the other.
2018 taught me that you truly never know what is going on in someones life. You have no idea what pain they are going through. So always take an unpleasant interaction with a grain of salt. Not that I would ever purposely be unkind, but I’m sure I was sometimes caught on rougher days where I let the emotions of hardship show. Knowing that I will never judge stranger’s character based on a snap judgement as I have no idea how heavy the weight that they carry is.
2018 taught me that no one is bullet proof. Let me repeat that. No one is invincible. No one is immortal. No one is promised tomorrow.
2018 taught me to not feel guilty for whatever I’m feeling. Some days I’ll catch myself busting out belly laughing with my brother and Dad or hanging out with my best friends and boyfriend and for a moment I will feel true and utter happiness. A sigh of relief will wash over me as I realize that I still know how to laugh. It doesn’t always stay long, but I cherish those moments of bliss. I use to feel guilty for these feelings of happiness. And sometimes I feel guilty for the waves of sadness I feel. But I have come to learn to except that it is okay to feel whatever it is that I’m feeling.
2018 taught me how important it is to have people around you that care for you and love you. I am forever thankful for “my people” that never fail to support me when I feel like I can’t stand. For the people that understand that sometimes emotions hit me like a ocean wave and out of nowhere I can go from fine to drowning. For the people that know that they can’t truly understand what I am going through, but will always be there for me when I need them. For these people; you know who you are and I will always appreciate you.
I don’t know what the new year will bring. All I know is that I am so thankful for the people that make the good days better and the bad days easier.
Here’s to putting one foot in front of the other.
“Never the less, She persisted.”
I look forward to seeing more of you in 2019 fashion babes
Till Next Time
1 thought on “Dear 2018,”
I hope this year is everything you want it to be. Even if you can never untangle the confusing threads of grief or unpack the heavy lessons of your experiences, I hope you continue to find peace and personal growth.